


A gay fanfic but I only write it when drunk

by Kiyomice



Series: drunk ateez fanfics [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, M/M, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:54:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23351275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiyomice/pseuds/Kiyomice
Summary: I decided to write a fanfic, but with a twist that I only write it when drunk. Pls enjoy.
Relationships: Choi San & Kim Hongjoong, Choi San/Kim Hongjoong
Series: drunk ateez fanfics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915360
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	A gay fanfic but I only write it when drunk

San was out on the porch, drinking a shitty beer, rock station on in the background. This had become his nightly routine. He loved the calm the night brought him, loved the way the cool wind blew against his skin. Loved it even as the temperature grew colder and the air turned icy, stinging him. But he hated that that this was the only thing that made him feel alive. Hated that he couldn’t feel whole since the night Hongjoong stormed out on him. Hated that he had to rely on shitty beer just to feel stable.

His cell buzzed in his pocket. It startled him—at three in the morning, there was only one person he could imagine would be texting him, but he told himself it was foolish to get his hopes up. He grabbed his phone from his pocket, holding his breath, and looked at the newest text.

It was from Hongjoong.

_“I need to see you.”_

Those words lit a fire inside him. He hated the hope they gave him—hated that his ex’s— _had they even really been dating_? —words could make or break his day so easily, but damn. He felt his adrenaline pumping, and he hated himself for it. He wanted to ignore the text, he wanted to tell Hongjoong to fuck off, but he could never do that. 

_“When?”_

He worried his bottom lip. He wanted to know why Hongjoong wanted to see him, wanted to know if Hongjoong wanted to talk about salvaging things, or if he just wanted to tell San that the thing between them really was over. 

He laughed. Of course, it was over. It had been two months since Hongjoong had walked away. They weren’t together anymore. Maybe they had never even been together in the first place. But, damn, San had enjoyed it while it lasted.

_“Now.”_

San crushed the empty can in his hand. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He stilled, waited a few moments, then exhaled. He opened his eyes and then looked up at the sky, counting the stars until his heartbeat returned to normal. 

_“Come over.”_

He went back inside, throwing the empty beer can away and then grabbing another two. He went back to his porch leaned back in his chair, staring up at the sky and sipping his beer until he heard the familiar sound of Hongjoong's 2009 Chevrolet Silverado coming down his long driveway. 

He stayed seated as Hongjoong exited the vehicle and made his way up the steps. San took a long pull of his beer as Hongjoong sat down in the seat beside him. San sat his can on the floor, then picked up the second can and handed it to Hongjoong. Hongjoong opened it without words, took his own long pull, and then sighed. “I shouldn’t have walked out like that.” 

San tensed. Here it was. The apology. He was coming here to fix up the mess he’d left behind. They were going to talk it out like adults, work out their misunderstandings, and then Hongjoong would be gone again. This time forever. He braced himself, knowing it was coming, but not wanting to face the reality of it. 

“I was afraid. I didn’t know what all this meant. What the things I felt for you meant.”

San sucked in a breath, not knowing what would come next. 

“You were the first person I cared about, and I hated that. I hated that I had feelings for a man. Hated that I had feelings for you. But you know that already,” Hongjoong paused, tapping at his beer and taking a sip. San took a long sip of his own beer, too.

“You knew the shit I was dealing with,” Hongjoong continued, his eyebrows furrowing. “But you didn’t care. You kept pushing me. You kept expecting me to get over it. To tell the world to fuck off.” The grip on his beer tightened. “I couldn’t do that.” 

San hung his head, not knowing what to say. Hongjoong was right. He had pushed him. He should have given him space, should have given him time, but he had been selfish.

“You pissed me the fuck off,” Hongjoong continued, the pressure on his beer can causing a dent. “You wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. You wanted me to be stronger. But look at me!” He glared at San, veins popping. “I’m weak. I’m too weak to be the person you want me to be. I can’t do it.”

San’s mouth went dry. He stared at Hongjoong, a million thoughts going through his head. He didn’t know what to say first. Didn’t know if anything he said even mattered at this point. But, damn, was Hongjoong wrong. “You’re not weak,” he managed, and he felt pathetic. But he continued anyway. “You’re not. You’re in a fucked-up situation, but that doesn’t make you weak.”

Hongjoong closed his eyes, and the grip on his beer can loosened. A few moments of silence fell between them, and then Hongjoong opened his eyes again. He took another sip of his beer. “You’re right. I didn’t choose this. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t want to be the gay outcast in my family. I didn’t want to fall for you.” 

San’s chest tightened, and his breath stopped. That was the first time Hongjoong had mentioned anything about falling for San. He knew. He knew Hongjoong felt that way, but he didn’t know if Hongjoong was aware of it. He thought that Hongjoong would never admit it. He thought that Hongjoong was too afraid of being gay to admit that he had feelings for him.

“But I want to try,” Hongjoong continued, and San looked at him, confused, not sure what he was saying. “I want to try being stronger,” Hongjoong clarified. “I want to try being myself. I want to try being the man you want me to be.” 

San opened his mouth, ready to jump in, but Hongjoong stopped him with a finger held up. “Stop. I need to say this.”

San rubbed the back of his head, embarrassed. Hongjoong flashed him a smile. “If you’ll have me, I want to try things out again. But at my pace,” he warned. “I want to be with you. You know that. You know I enjoy being around you. But I can’t change my entire identity all at once just because of that. I need to go slow. And I need to know you won’t push me.”

San looked at him, worrying his bottom lip, not knowing if it was okay to speak. Hongjoong smiled at him again. “If you can promise me…promise me you’ll let us do things at my pace…then, I’d like to give us a shot. I want to see where this takes us. I don’t want to push you away anymore.”

The last sentence hurt. There had been a lot of that—of Hongjoong pushing him away, telling him to get lost, telling him that the things between them meant nothing. There’d been a lot of ugly tainting the good they’d formed together. But when he looked into Hongjoong’s eyes, saw that rare glimpse of vulnerability in them, saw that little glimmer of him hoping for more—well, it made him want to give them a shot, too. 

“I’d like that,” San started carefully. He took a long shot of his beer, draining half the can before pulling it off and sighing. A few moments of silence passed, crickets chirping in the silent night. San turned to Hongjoong after a moment, a serious expression on his face. “I shouldn’t have pushed you as hard as I did. I’m sorry.” 

Hongjoong’s smile turned sad, the months of pain between them all being brought to the surface at this moment. They couldn’t deny the hurt they’d brought on each other. They’d both been in the wrong, they hadn’t been working together, they’d only been thinking of themselves and what they each wanted, not what the other person wanted. 

But as they sat there, and the cool wind breezed between them, they started to get it. Started to get that they’d need to sacrifice some of their own comfort for the other person. Make them work as one rather than two—work things through as adults.

The minutes passed, and the breeze picked up, the cool night slowly turning harsh. They finished their beers, sitting together in a new kind of silence, before San stood up. “Let’s go inside,” he offered. 

Hongjoong hummed, getting up and following San into the house. San locked the door behind them before taking Hongjoong’s hand in his and leading him towards the bedroom. The walk down the hallway was a familiar one, one they’d gone down many times before, but it’d never felt quite like this. Neither of them could say what exactly was different about it, but it was there, as real and as tangible as the fingers they had intertwined. There was a difference in the way San looked at Hongjoong, and how Hongjoong looked back at San. There was a difference in the way their lips came together, in the way San’s hand tangled in Hongjoong’s hair, pulling him closer. 

Neither of them could say what had changed, but they both knew something had. They let their guards down and let each other in; they trusted each other. It was familiar yet entirely new at the same time, fire building between them with a heat they’d never experienced before. 

They fell to the bed together, the taste and scent of cheap beer mixing in in the collage of their tongues. It was a tipsy mess on San’s part, but Hongjoong didn’t care, he took the moment for what it was—they were getting reacquainted, exploring each other’s bodies once again, and it didn’t matter if it was imperfect. It didn’t matter if they both still had crap to deal with. They knew it would be a long road ahead of them, one filled with bumps and hazards and holes. They knew it might not work out, knew the car might break down before they reached their destination, but that wasn’t going to stop them from trying.

They had each other in this journey for now, and that’s what mattered most. They weren’t going to take that for granted anymore.


End file.
